ups and downs

I miss being happy.... I miss the meaningless moments with those stupid plain laughters.... I miss laughing till tears come out of my eyes.... I miss the ginning for no reasons....

 

I miss being happy.....

一口气把接连三篇mood swings删掉。结束休假，也许也应该结束drama queen的角色。不喜欢的事情delete记忆，不喜欢的人block contact. 无法控制好的和坏的发生，但是可以选择记得什么忘记什么。从今天开始，如果再记得如果再遇上，微微一笑地说 I really don't care。

Have you ever looked at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in your background? It makes your wonder how many strangers have pictures of you, how many moments of other people's lives have we been in. Were we part of someone's lives when their dreams came true? Or were we there when their dreams died. Did we keep trying to get in, as if we were somehow destined to be there. Or did the shot take it by surprise... Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life, and not even know it...

有什么意义呢？ 每天早上睁开眼睛想到的就是公司里的chaos，望不到尽头的work, 和每天深夜离开时身心疲惫的无奈。。。

 

我不是机器，我会闹我的小情绪。 是啊，这只是一份工作，开心也是做，不开心也是做，可是每天的生活除了这份工作没有其他任何的内容，显然从这份工作里面已经没有开心的来源。那有什么意义呢。。。

 

看不到尽头，最近的尽头还是在一个月以后。撑不下去了，失去了盼望每一天开始的希望，那真的是撑不下去了。。。

 

 

莫名的心烦。自从从天津回来脾气就变得越发的糟糕。

 

倦了，累了，麻木了，熬不动了，甚至懒得说话。

 

看着周围某些非人类的同志们心里还是有一丝小愧疚，可是难道真的有一天要猝死在财富。。。

 

说不出来的心烦，其实回来远没有在天津熬得厉害了，可是就是没有精神和莫名的烦躁。

所以又开始变态地怀念Project L TJ。每天虽然也是JJYY苦哈哈的，不过同样JJYY的teammates还是很可爱的。

 

每天还好有胖西兄在旁边一起JY，慢慢意识到ms这份工作做久了就会变得越来越絮叨。哎，half way to年过半百，絮叨程度ms已经很接近了。

 

都不知道自己在说什么，就当我又半夜吃八喜朗姆酒口味的冰激凌吃得发酒疯吧。 扭头继续赶disclosure。

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mika - Grace Kelly Do I attract you Do I repulse you with my queasy smile Am I too dirty Am I too flirty Do I like what you like I could be wholesome I could be loathsome I guess Im a little bit shy Why dont you like me without making me try I try to be like Grace Kelly But all her looks were too sad So I try a little Freddie Ive gone identity mad I could be brown I could be blue I could be violet sky I could be hurtful I could be purple I could be anything you like Gotta be green Gotta be mean Gotta be everything more Why don't you like me why don't you like me Why dont you walk out the door How can I help it How can I help what you think Hello my baby Putting my life on the brink Why dont yo like me Why dont you like yourself Should I bend over Should I look older just to be put on the shelf Say what you want to satisfy yourself But you only want what everybody else says you should want

星期六，挣扎着爬起来加班。

 

打开电视开始看RW演唱会，结果听一首歌听得泪流满面。。。

 

小毛子说我250。

 

洗完脸后突然感到一丝庆幸，很久没有流过眼泪。原来自己还没有完全麻木，没有什么都无所谓。。。

 

一年了，很多事情都改变了。。。至少，现在自己的知觉在慢慢恢复正常。。。

 

She's The One
Taken From 'I've Been Expecting You'
(K.Wallinger)

I was her she was me
We were one we were free
And if there's somebody calling me on
She's the one
If there's somebody calling me on
She's the one

We were young we were wrong
We were fine all along
If there's somebody calling me on
She's the one

When you get to where you wanna go
And you know the things you wanna know
You're smiling
When you said what you wanna say
And you know the way you wanna play
You'll be so high you'll be flying

Though the sea will be strong
I know we'll carry on
Cos if there's somebody calling me on
She's the one
If there's somebody calling me on
She's the one

When you get to where you wanna go
And you know the things you wanna know
You're smiling

When you said what you wanna say
And you know the way you wanna say it
You'll be so high you'll be flying

I was her she was me
We were one we were free
If there's somebody calling me on
She's the one
If there's somebody calling me on
She's the one

 

 

I know i seldom say i love you. And i know i'm a terrible daughter sometimes. But you have always always been my shelter whenever i'm down. there was never a single second in my life that my love for you stopped. no one has ever loved me or will ever love me the way you and mom do. I am who i am because of you. And i never had to worry abt anything because i know you are always one flight ticket away and will always support me. dad, there's yet so much more that i can learn from you and i have so much to offer and to show to u and let u be proud of me. and i can be a better person, i will learn to deal with life by myself....so please don't leave me.....you'll have to see all that...i cannot bear the pain to even think that i might lose you.... dad, stay with me....

嘻嘻~~终于休假溜到海边去咯~~~~青岛真漂亮啊~~~今天比较懒，改天再补上游记哦，大家去看我们的照片吧~~~

这样懒懒地耍真好~~~嘻嘻~~~~

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

Some people search for a fountain
Promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them

And in a world on a silver platter
And wondering what it means
No one to share, no one who truly cares for me

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

If I ain't got you with me baby
Nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

Party at Clare and Astrid's

 

1, Preparation

 

偶们九点多就睡不着了，像小孩子抢着开礼物一样，飞快地刷牙洗脸冲进厨房，开始准备晚上的美食们。我们唱啊跳啊，就像在having a party in the kitchen一样，熬着罗宋汤，煮着potato for potato salard, 炸着糖醋排骨，包着四喜饺子，唱着"i love cooking, she loves cooking"~

 

彩带，气球，喷雪，蜡烛，节日的装饰慢慢地爬满了整个房子。我们一下午叫了两次cleaning woman, to make sure the apt is ready for the party. 时间过得真快啊，电话开始响个不停，大家陆陆续续on the way. 我的回锅肉的肉还没有煮，桌布还没有铺好，镜子镜子，镜子竟然还是脏的，救命啊，我竟然还没有换衣服化妆！！where is matthias?  他说好了要早来帮忙和跟我学chinese cooking的，what's more, he has the music!! 没有音乐我们怎么pa啊？ 这家伙，肯定昨晚上pa去了，现在还在呼呼呢。

 

镇定镇定，you can handle it!

 

 

2, let's get it started

 

亲爱的松石最准时了，6点漂亮地出现在门口。这个笨蛋，让她吹气球她竟然胆小不敢吹起来，算了，还是让野蛮滴偶来吧~ phil and miriam被堵在门口了，我们到现在也没有搞清楚为什么楼下的guard没有让他们上来，可能是phil长得太邪恶了吧~hia~ 大家都漂漂亮亮地来了，带来了各式各样的chocolate, cookies, acolhol and juice. 也不知道是谁发明的，大家开始把吹好的气球在头发上蹭蹭贴到墙上去，由于静电的缘故，大家的头发开始乱七八糟地飞了起来，滑稽无比~那些精心打扮过自己头发的同志们，抱歉咯~

 

我还在厨房里忙活着，这时候的cooking可就不那么happy啦。我焦急地切着煮好的肉片，切来切去怎么还只有那么一点啊，更要命的是，matthias竟然趁开红酒的机会偷吃我辛苦切好的肉。。。本来就不多嘛。。。555， 敲~

 

在astrid的toast后，the buffet is open, party begins~汗，手忙脚乱的偶这时才发现在偶漂亮的小裙子下面竟然还踩着那双丑拖鞋。。。|||赶快换了去~~~继续回到厨房炒我该死的回锅肉，接近freak out的边缘，还好有松石提醒我：少放酱油，糖多了~~拽来亲耐得走走师兄帮忙洗锅~~哈~

 

everybody liked the food, that made astrid and me two happy girls~哈哈，偶还是可以cook的哟~

 

 

3, happy pieces

 

食物很快就被一扫而空，大家开始move to acolhol。但可惜phil, miraim and matthias这几个big drinker都因为前一天晚上party过度，still hangover着呢。于是我开始play party miriam's role, telling everyone:"drink this drink this, it's good for you, it's good for your skin."不过还是被miriam这个原版correct了:" not vodka, tequila is good for you skin, vodka is no..."汗， 随便吧，哈哈

 

--absolute mandrin

 

波波和走走带了absolute mandrin,橘子味的vodka,对上干姜水，真是美味啊~ haven't enjoyed vodka this much for ages!!几杯下肚后大家也开始活跃起来，整个party mood也是被它带起来的哦~

赞~~！

 

--fei's huge box of beer

 

fei是来得最晚的一个，他一进来就伴着大家惊呼一片：原来这家伙竟然找人搬了一整大箱的啤酒上来。。。大哥，你准备放倒几个阿。。。||| phil and matthias可以在一旁傻乐了，这俩人今天晚上就不准备碰real acolhol了，尽管我一直嘲笑他们: beer is nothing, beer is water!!

 

--matthias's music

 

matthias's music真是太棒了，everybody was asking him for his music, 就像 what the dj in kai did at luigi's party last wednesday一样。看来偶把music交给他in charge还是很有眼光的嘛.have to steal some from his computer someday.他问我听什么音乐的时候，我竟然支支吾吾说不出话来。。。太自卑了，想当年大学里俺也曾经被称作"dj" 过呢。。。今天遇到高手了。。。。

 

--brandon's funny dancing

 

终于见到传说中的brandon dancing了，这这这。。。这就是一个喝醉酒的girl在跳舞嘛，中间还夹杂着李小龙的经典台词。。。大汗。。。。brandon啊，难怪我第一次见的时候觉得你是...呵呵。。。。

 

（这位大哥第二天发来短信说他不知道怎么回事第二天醒来在包里发现一瓶vodka,he didn't mean to commite a crime....hehe, it's ok, brandon, thanks to you, we have a juice bar in our apt now.)

 

--"was-ever"

 

不可避免的，deutsch is in the air. matthias逼着我重复说着那句"likt im klo und stinkt"(当有人说sh*t后，就可以说这一句，it means“在厕所里臭臭”不知道拼写是不是正确。。。）miriam加入进来抢着和matthias教我说着各种各样的funny german (including dirty german....|||)  饶了我吧，那些句子发音都那么奇怪那么长，我只是德语初学者啊，而且俺也只有一张嘴巴而已。。。最后急了我冒出一句"was-ever",俩人只好都闭嘴了，呵呵。(was=what in english, 我生硬地将德语和英语的词缀品在一起发明了一个词)

 

-- party 松石

 

松石太可爱了，一晚上都在跳来跳去拉着大家去跳舞，我说少等，她就会嘟嘟地翘起嘴巴，然后跳到另一个人旁边去继续说：我们跳舞吧~

 

 

还有太多的pieces由于酒精的缘故已经拼不起来了，只记得墙上贴的气球很会挑时机地爆裂，phil还念念不忘前一天我给rena/irena的圣诞礼物，吵着要开我的衣柜，许多声称不喝啤酒的人也在一瓶一瓶的vodka and whiskey见底以后抽出fei的啤酒来。the last thing i could remember before i found myself in angel was matthias's hat.我似乎是在威胁他明天去ktv,不然我就不给他帽子。。。汗。。。真幼稚||| 不过所有的人都在说: matthias真得很帅阿~~花痴窃笑ing~~

 

4, the party goes on

 

在松石的鼓动下，半夜三更，天寒地冻，我们又冲去了angel. 本以为只是在dance floor里dance for 2 or 3 songs,结果it turned that we were dancing for hours....我抱着我的"pillow boyfriend" 酣酣睡去已经是天空泛白时了。

 

the party goes on, thanks to everyone at the party, clare的happy christmas都是因为亲耐的你们哦~~

 

thank you everyone for coming, and for being clare's friends!! stay this way, hao ma? ^-^

 

 

( party照片会尽快补上的哦^-^)

期待今年的christams很久了，还有我们自己的christmas dinner party~~

 

24号是我的christmas shopping day。I went shopping for someone i didn't even know!!! because later on there would be "secret santa" section at phil's party. everyone was supposed to buy a present for another person but no one knew whom they would get present from,except for phil, of course, because he did the lottery thing.

 

anyways, i was supposed to buy a present for a girl called rena or irena,( sorry i still don't get her name.....) ricky's girlfriend. i have totally no idea what she likes, but i know what will make ricky happy. (evilly grinning~)so there goes my idea: sexy purple underwear with fur on it.:-p isn't that genius? and it turned out to be exactly the way i predicted.ha~ rena/irena seemed quite shocked and ricky was very happy about the gift. and as far as i could tell, everyone else was happy about the gift~ so--success~!:p

 

The dinner afterwards at Morel's was very nice too. Knowing it's a belgium restaurant, i was looking forward to the chocolate after meal more than the meal itself.:-p but the chocolate was a  little bit of a disappointment. maybe because i ate too much at the meal and didn't have enough space for the chocolate....loved the liver sause!! reminded me of the first time i tried it at paul's. :-)

 

Then phil wanted to go to nanjie, but Astrid and i successfullly conviced him that such a nice christmas evening shouldn't end up in a crowed sweaty place. so centro centro , here we come!!we found a cozy corner inside and started to drink and chat. 2 apple martini made me a happy girl. astrid and phil soon began to talk in german to speed up the conversation. then it became ricky's and my mission to interrupt them. "no german no german, we love english" "no german no german, let's speak chinese""mein deutsch ist nicht gut!!""das weiss ich nicht!!"~...

 

it was such a happy evening but we had to say goodbye to everyone at 1am, because we have this big big dinner party on 25th. although going to vics after centro sounded quite tempting, but sorry, we really gotta head back to bed.

 

nightie night and merry christmas!!

 

 

(to be continued....)

Would you remember me,

For that one glance in the crowd...

 

Would you remember me,

for the wind carrying my perfume

for the song singing my story

for the dance hiding my passion...

 

I have nothing to offer

I get nothing to expect

I'd be right here sitting in the corner

waiting for that just one glance from the crowd

and then,

feeling happy simply if you

eventually

remeber me....

 

Would you remember me....

remember me please....

 

被点到了点到了~ hia~据说这个游戏的目的是为了让大家了解我最近的状况，同时不让某人说我space长草，偶开始回答问题咯~~~

 

最近在看的电视：《死神》、"desperate housewives"season 2、《大长今》（很不好意思了，偶竟然还米有看完。。。。汗。。。）"one tree hill" season 2...还有些乱七八糟的就不说了，还有每天早上8点左右某个随机台的新闻。

 

最近在听的音乐：没有下什么新歌，无非就是电脑里每个文件夹循环播放哈~ 列举一下文件夹嘛：chinese, english, other languages，哈哈~ english 里面有hip hop, house and trance, pop, r&b, country, punk, and other....呵呵

 

最近在吃的东西：早餐：面包切片+丘比草莓酱+蒙牛早餐奶， 午餐：地下食堂/公司附近某个茶餐厅/随记鸭下巴/随机， 晚餐：自己做饭/速冻食品/运气好某人请客。发现自己做的香肠+香菇+柿子椒炒饭很好吃哦，而且省时间，哈哈~

 

最近在看的报刊：elle, cosmopolitan，体坛周报...地铁口发的杂志...

 

最近关心的话题：哪里有好吃的。。。

 

最近常去的地方：家，地铁站，公司，餐厅，国贸商城。。。

 

最近想做的事：把家里好好倒置一下，准备开我的birthday party~ 再去做一个全身的spa~

 

最近的理财状况：为了annual party的evening dress以及配套的鞋子包包和佩饰大伤脑筋ing...信用卡下来就得开始欠银行钱了...

 

最想对自己说的话：有得吃就吃，有得睡就睡，有得玩就玩，想那么多干嘛~ ^-^

 

点名：想好了msn通知，哈~

 

任务完成~~~

 

 

 

昨天在Parkson看到了Stella，那款找了好久的香水。据说这是因为Stella McCartney想要像留住玫瑰花瓣美丽一样留住玫瑰的香味而诞生的。

 

玫瑰形残了，可以有相片；香消了，可以有香水。而当初拼命想留住的人只是用半瓶的Stella喷满那件空如白纸的T-Shirt，天真地以为这样就可以是一件完美的替代品。可是留在衣服上的香水无论喷得再多也是会挥发的，无论曾经多么中意的味道也会慢慢产生化学变化，没有了前味的清逸，退去了中味的深蕴，只留下干涩、残缺的琥珀和麝香味……

 

在专柜喷了一些在手腕，味道还是很喜欢，只是大脑已经不再不争气地条件反射出那些熟悉的画面。我想，现在我已经没有理由像以前那样把它放在the top of my perfume collection list了，因为它已经只是一款味道我很喜欢的香水，如同beyond paradise, ooh la love, les belles de ricci...什么时候我把它们能买下，我再来考虑Stella吧....

 

也许我这次是真的move on了....

"how many people have you said 'I love you "to?"

 

"well, it's hard to say. when i was young, i always thought i loved every girl i was with."

 

"what about now?"

 

"only one girl in the recent 5 years. even her i'm not sure if i really loved her. actually not really sure how to difine when you like someone and when you love someone."

 

"yeah, you right..."

 

....

 

"you can drive at 16, go to war at 18, you can drink at 21 and retire at 65. so how old do you have to be, before you love?"

                                        ------OTH, E2, S2

 

 

(sorry i borrowed our conversation,think you won't mind.:-) i'll pay you the copyright fee:-p )

A guy always says his foot aches. The doctor tells him it's impossible, because he has no feet now after taking the operation of cutting them off last week. But he still says it aches so much that he can't sleep at night. Then a encephalopathist comes and asks him to close his eyes first and tell him where it aches. The guy closes his eyes and says his toes ach, then opens his eyes to find no toes left now....

 

 

According to the encephalopathist's theory, the brain needs some time to accept what really happens to the body, and needs some time to respond. During that period of time, the brain's refection will remain the past.

 

 

So mentally or physically, if it takes some time to finally accept a fact, it's normal then.:-) And it's not because someone is escaping, it's just their brain is not ready, which you can do nothing about.:-)

I went out for karaoke the whole night last night, and came back with a light headache this morning. Struggled to sleep, but kept waking up every 20 minutes with a difficult breath. 

 

it's not been an easy week, the training is especially hard this week, haven't found a right flatmate, someone important left on wednesday, the CPA test is getting closer, continuiely concern about my health issue, miss my mom very much....but i didn't feel this much upset about all those stuff during the week. even on wednesday morning, i thought i would cry so much that i couldn't speak properly to him over the phone. but it didn't happen like that at all, i just calmly finished the call and walked out of the washroom back to my training. i am getting used to hide my feelings, bury them inside as deep as i can. but maybe i didn't try hard enough, as time goes by, they came up back to me bit by bit, very slowly. it's like virus, when the immuing system gets weak, it just starts to eat my body...

 

So i got out of bed, worked on my last week's training hand-outs and CPA test for a bit, called several people to check the apt, took several vitamine c pills, called my mom to say i miss her, and wrote this piece to hope he would one day see, that i miss him, and am slowly realizing the pain after he left....

 

but don't worry, it didn' come all at one time. taking 1% of the pain each day is not too bad...don't worry, i'm not too sad....it's just gonna take some time, but don't worry please, i'm taking it slow...:-)

How to define if someone is good enough for you, if someone is worth your love. Sometimes even after you keep telling yourself a million times that you're too good for him,  and when there're plenty of better options out there, you'd still say to yourself: why aren't they him....

 

looking at the old pictures we took together, and i suddenly realized the girl smiling next to him has changed....and what is he saying to her, what are they doing together now? is he gonna say the same thing he said to me, is he gonna take her to the same places he took me, and is he gonna promise her the same thing that he promised me?

 

The truth hurts...it's like a bomb that exploses inside, and those pieces of the bad memory that i've been trying so hard to hide just suddenly comes all up to me again. maybe the only way to gain a new life is to be completely killed first. this truth has killed me, uterly and ruthlessly. what's next is that whether or not i am ready to move on. not just saying i'm moving on like beofore....

 

if a relationship dies, we need some time to mourn, and collect our sadness, i have taken enough time, and so has he. so i guess, this is it, the final sign for me to call a stop.....move on, gal, keep moving on....

 

 

当慢慢长大,感情所占的比重是不是在慢慢下降...从什么时候开始,即使在冲动之前都要做个细细的比较,always think twice before you take any move....开始怀念那些可以无拘无束感情用事的日子,因为发觉自己已经不能够完整地去享受没有理智的快乐....

最近在看超级女声,支持张靓颖~~~~何洁我也喜欢~~本来以为对这么commercialized的节目不会太有兴趣,结果发现还蛮好玩的. 喜欢她的声音,非常有穿透力,而且每次她总能那么得心应手地do freestyle.

p.s.张靓颖是四川的哦,好开心~~~~~

 

呵呵,纯灌水~

 

加油加油~~~

My ex roommates bursted in to laughters when i told them i was buying food, cooking dinner, maiking coffee, cleaning the apartment. they said that was something they could only see in their dreams. that's the potential  i've recently discovered in me. can you imagine that, i'm doing the housework everyday! and it turned out to be not so bad. actually i'm enjoying it most of the time. so i guess there are lot of potentials inside me that i haven't discovered yet. there's way too much for me to explore, and same as for everyone. and i'll finally walk out of these cloiudy days,coz i know i've got the potential to do that, when i find a perfect timing. pretty soon!

 

and Junjun is eventually considering coming to visit me this summer! that's soooooo my girl! luv ya~

 

Only 1/3 of july has left now, was planning to do something different in this month, my eurotrip, German study, cooking practise...but i end up accomplishing nothing. differences didn't go what i've expected.

 

in a way, my holiday is all about wasting time. i can't stand a day with nothing to do, but i can't be too productive because that would mean i have to make a change... my french roommate is being quite busy, she's taking full advantage of her holiday to experience china, and she's always got so much to talk about everyday after she gets back. i would just sit there and be a good listener, because i've got nothing to talk about, everyday is the same, casually asigning my time to different boring activities. 

 

i'm bored, i'm getting boring. but i just can't take that step forward to open a new page. when i moved to my new apartment, i found so many things that i kept in a box, which i don't use much. basically, they're useless right now, but i just can't simply throw them away. so i carried them with me, to my new place. i know the box is going to get bigger and bigger, and one day there would not be enough space for it, but i just can't throw them away...

 

thinking about i'll start working in less than a month, i get scared. when i finally start working, i'll have to make so many changes. i'm not afraid of changes, it's just i'm scared of they might happen before i have a closure to my certain past....

 

 

跟军军瞎扯了一下午，突然开始怀念。以前的每个暑假，都是这样两个人蜷在沙发上，说着莫名其妙的话，开着刻薄的玩笑。只是今年，中间隔了一个电脑屏幕。我们还是说着同样莫名其妙的话，开着不变的无聊玩笑，但看不见对方，心境也跟着变了。

 

然后开始频繁地换着msn的头像，用着有不同故事的照片。我在怀念，怀念照片里的故事，照片里的人。一切都在改变，故事在改变，人也在改变，只是留在照片里的那一刻remains....